Kael, the Douchebag

This morning, I woke up to an email that said someone left a comment on my blog, and I had to accept it before WordPress would show it. “Woo-hoo! More approval seeking!” I thought.

Then I read the comment. First, I am going to reproduce it uncensored and in its entirety before I rip the author to shreds. For the purposes of addressing this person, I am going to assume it’s a guy and his name is Kael. Not only does Kael sound like a name that could only belong to an annoying jerk, it’s also the first name of one of Faded Paper Figures’ bandmates, and that just seems like a band Kael listens to.

You are so annoying.  There is such a thing as bad music, and some people don’t spend half their fucking life chatting on the internet so that’s why they ask…okay, what the fuck do you want to talk about now, I have to go.   I love how you of all people act like you’re some expert on social etiquette, or you criticize people for being condescending douche bags, then write a blog bashing people in bars for having a good time as if you’re better.    Go fuck yourself.  Lady Gaga fucking sucks… your self-righteous opinions are nauseatingly fucking annoying.

First off Kael, and most importantly, this is the Internet. That means if you take anything to heart, you’re an idiot. This is the same Internet that treats Glenn Beck and Hilary Clinton as rough political equals. This is the same Internet where some three-toothed Alabama recluse can start a webpage on white supremacy and garner a following. This is the same Internet where a girl can become a pop superstar for being frustratingly unsure over which car seat to take.

“You are so annoying.”

acornking.blogspot.com

You reference at least three of my blog posts over the course of your tirade. If I’m so annoying, why did you read so many? Why didn’t you read one, get annoyed, and close the window? Thank you for being inspired by me.

“There is such a thing as bad music, and some people don’t spend half their fucking life chatting on the internet so that’s why they ask…okay, what the fuck do you want to talk about now, I have to go.”

mixedmediawatch.com

There is such a thing as bad music. I agree with you. I just claim there’s a difference between what you don’t like and what’s bad. To be honest, I would give more deference to a half-retarded chicken’s musical tastes than yours, but you’re still entitled to listen to whatever you please. And as far as spending half my life chatting on the Internet, it’s only half of my waking life, thank you very much. I don’t typically go online in my sleep, although perhaps science will fix that one day.

Also, you suck at writing.

“I love how you of all people act like you’re some expert on social etiquette, or you criticize people for being condescending douche bags, then write a blog bashing people in bars for having a good time as if you’re better.”

maurilioamorim.com

For the record, he’s referring to this blog post on social etiquette and this blog post on bar life. Kael, you also suck at recognizing satire. In case your IQ hasn’t caught up to your shoe size yet, I am clearly a bit foreign to things like “partying,” “sex,” and “happiness.” I’m not better than the average bar slum, I’m worse. While they’re out enjoying life, I’m busy writing sarcastic-but-clearly-not-sarcastic-enough blog posts about them. Who’s condescending now, bitch?

“Go fuck yourself.  Lady Gaga fucking sucks… your self-righteous opinions are nauseatingly fucking annoying.”

funny-ugly-people.blogspot.com

I do have an actual point to make out of this. The Internet could be a fantastic medium for debate. Buried beneath Kael’s horribly-written prose is a tiny hint of legitimate dialogue. What makes music bad, for example. Or, In what ways does Lady Gaga succeed artistically? Is satire on social grace by default condescending? Does piling on a comma splice and “I have to go” make any sense whatsoever? These could be online editorials or beginnings of forum threads. With the entire Internet at one’s disposal for research and a shield of anonymity dissolving superficial judgments on age or race, substantive conversation could take place.

Instead, Kael fails to support a single thing he says, except perhaps for his utterly genius take on social etiquette and condescension. Why does Lady Gaga “fucking suck,” Kael? Because you say so? Go choke on rat poison.

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