Online Conversation

Normally, I am a patient, relaxed person without a care in the world.

That, by the way, was a lie. I have as many pet peeves as a feral dog has fleas.

For every habit that annoys me, I probably have 32 habits that annoy other people, but whatever, this isn’t their blog. Now please bear with me while I make my way up the soapbox.

from http://rubenruiz.org

Conversation is an art. I mean that. It is a skill that demands an understanding of convention and can define personal and societal boundaries. For starters, conversation has certain fundamentals: basic small talk topics (e.g., in the United States, weather, pop culture, and current events) and understood taboos (e.g., in the US, sex, income, and religion). These differ wildly depending on a person’s upbringing and who else is engaging in the conversation. Moreover, the truly skilled conversationalist understands these starting fundamentals and knows how to augment them, inject humor, and quickly create personal bonds. Being a good conversationalist can impress people in the same way being a talented dancer or painter can. Moreover, similar to any other art, it’s something many people are born with and others must practice a great deal.

from http://corioblog.com

I can deal with awkward silences and unreceptive conversation partners. That’s part of life, and not every two randomly-chosen people necessarily have much in common. I’m not exactly the ideal prototype for making conversation either. After preliminary greetings, I usually degrade into a babbling moron who starts talking about two chimpanzees I saw doing it on TV the previous night.

Setting: The year 2011. Location: The Internet. Times have changed. Conversation no longer requires two people being in the same room. In fact, it no longer even requires two people having to speak. All they need are keyboards and either a phone or Internet connection. You would think that would solve most of the problems inherent with making conversation.

Don’t know what to talk about? Open Google News. Not interested in the subject the person’s talking about? Read the Wikipedia article and pretend you are. Awful at maintaining eye contact or staying focused? Watch Grey’s Anatomy in the background. This is about as easy as conversation can get. You don’t even have to tell the freakin’ truth. If the person you’re talking to is half-Native American, sticks to a soy-based vegan diet, and worships Justin Bieber’s hair, pretend your mom works for the Interior Department, your dad grows organic tomatoes, and you’re recovering from an acute episode of Bieber fever. Who’s gonna know?

from http://entertainment.ofwnow.com

And on that note, this is what gets to me. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had the following conversation online.

Me: So how was work today?
Random guy: It was alright. I’m exhausted now, though.
Me: That sucks. Long day?
Random guy: Yeah.
Random guy: So what do you want to talk about now?

No, that’s not the typical hyperbole I always spout. I have heard that line (“So what do you want to talk about now?”) at least 367 times in my life of online prattle. I have never once seriously entertained that question though. I’ve gone the sarcastic route:

Me: I was thinking we’d discuss the merits of industrial-strength chicken wire.

from http://diytrade.com

The aggressive route:

Me: Hm, how about your inability to maintain a conversation?

The oblivious route:

Me: Damn, I cannot believe that [insert recent political event involving Glenn Beck] event just happened.

And, on occasion, the avant-garde route:

Me: 5. No wait, 5 squared.

Never—not even once—have I actually contributed a valid conversation topic. Seriously people, you can just close the instant message window and ignore me until either I say something or you can think of something to talk about. The rules of face-to-face conversation barely apply to online chitchat. You don’t even have to converse continuously. Records of our conversation are saved right there on our computers or phones for reference if you feel like continuing the conversation minutes, hours, or even days after it started.

But since I’m such a helpful guy, below are five messages you can always send when (1) you want to continue our conversation, (2) I’m not saying anything, and (3) you have encountered a mental block tantamount to Lindsay Lohan trying to write a sequel to The Great Gatsby. I guarantee all of these will elicit more conversation.

1. I just won the lottery and was thinking it would be really nice to find someone to buy a new car for.
2. You know, gonorrhea’s not nearly as bad as you’d think.
3. Here are my views on abortion, capital punishment, and the existence of God. [Insert views on abortion, capital punishment, and the existence of God.] These are the correct views.
4. I just downloaded the complete Nickelback discography.
5. I actually met your mom the other weekend. Although, to be honest, we didn’t bond too much after engaging in hours of passionate intercourse.

from life.com

You can thank me later.

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